I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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