I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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