You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
