Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
