dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
