I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you didnt know i had herpes?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
