i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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