He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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