well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
