It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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