Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
