ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
