Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
