i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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