Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I die, sorry about rent.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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