I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
