then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
