i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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