Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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