Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
