I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
