can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
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