4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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