god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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