you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
