please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
