I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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