Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
