dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
