What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
