I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize