I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
