So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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