1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
is that a dick in a sweater?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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