I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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