what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You're a waste of cheezeits
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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