Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
