Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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