Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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