When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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