so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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