I wish I could teleport
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
