:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
