I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
