I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
