if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I love having hate sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
