Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
