The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
