Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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