I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
