hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
