I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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