Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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