his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The uberlube is also flammable
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
