Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
