Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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