your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
