Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
