I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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