Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
