How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
