I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
