dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
