matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
