I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
