Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
