john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
