Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I stole a fireplace last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
